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so I think I kinda dumped my sugar daddy

idk

it was weird, and I dont like thinking of him like that
I dont like thinking of myself like that either

I dont know

so like

i have so much to bitch about but I am on a friends computer

wont bitch much but

teetering on the edge of having a sugar daddy and not sure how I feel about it
My god this is hard.
This is not like any other time, truly.
Because I know if I am to have any chance at all, I have to leave him be.
I have to leave the ball in his court, and give him time to think.
Good lord it is hard though. My overactive instincts are, as usual, overactive. My fight or flight is going back and forth, back and forth.
I want to talk to him so badly.
Even just to talk about something stupid.
I miss him so much.
Like, this isnt even about needing someone around.
I spend all my time with myself, even when other people are around. You kinda get sick of your own company after a while.
I mean, I'm learning. I really am.
I am really trying, and learning, and seeing things about myself I need to change.
No matter what happens, I will still have that.
But, jesus FUCK do I miss him.
I can distract myself for a while, but its always there, reminding me.
Its not awful though. Really.
I mean, it hurts, but its a good kind of hurt.
Like when you melt chocolate and stick your finger in it while its still too hot, but you put it in your mouth anyway and burn yourself.
Or when you eat so many candies that your stomach hurts.
I hope he is well. Last I heard, he was sick. Havent heard much out of him since.
I'm sure he is fine. He is much better at this sort of thing, I bet.
I wonder if he is thinking of me at all.
He told me I had to get him out of my head, for my own good.
I dont want him out of my head though.
I dont want him out of my life.
I am so scared. So scared.
Because true love is something sacred, and I know with all of my heart that what I feel for him is true love. And true love is something that you only have once, and I am so
so
so fucking scared that I fucked it all up.
I mean, not trying to bash myself but I do have a tendency to let my emotions and fears get the better of me.
I dont want to lose him.
I dont want to give up, because I love him
I dont want to move on, I love him
I want to fix things, but he doesnt want to.
Because I was too much.
I tried to warn him, I really did. I tried to tell him to stay away. It was a selfish warning, because I didnt want to feel like this again.
I didnt want to fall in love again, to have it be ripped away again.
I just wanted to be with him
I just wanted to know he cared
I dont want to lose him
I dont want to just be friends
I love him with everything that I am
I have cried so much in the past three days. Sometimes it feels like I dont have any tears left, but then there they are.
My skin under my eyes is raw.
My nose is raw.
He wont even talk to me.
I'm not allowed to try to win him back until I am comfortable with myself, but I dont want to wait.
I want to be with him.
But if I have to wait, I will.
I will learn to live with this ache, and I will use it to push myself forward.
This sadness I feel is proof that I dont want anyone else.
I only want him.
I wont give up until I'm bleeding and theres no more hope.
He said he still loved me. Thats all I need. That, and my proof to myself that my love wasnt a shallow lie.
I loved him with every part of myself, and everything that I am.
Now I will become more, and when I am more I will go back to him.
And if he still doesnt want me, then at least I will be more.
At least I will have that.
Maybe then it wont hurt.
after all the breakups I've been through, you would think I was a pro at this by now
I want so badly to be able to walk away a stronger person, with my head held high, knowing that I will be okay.
I mean, I know I will be okay but.
Nobody ever made me as happy as he did. Nobody ever made me feel so accepted, and loved.
but when it came down to it, he wasnt willing to try hard enough for me. I tried, so hard. I did.
I was getting so much better. I was learning to control my emotions, and learning when to say something and when to just drop things that didnt matter and.
He just wasnt willing to try.
He said he wasnt what I am looking for.
He just gave up.
And in the end, its better that I walked away, because I dont want to be with someone who will just give up like that.
I've been going through hell at work, and all I wanted was someone who was going to be there for me. Listen to me. Let me get it all out. Someone who will be there for me to cry at when things get too hard, but every time that I REALLY really need him, every time that I feel like my own world is about to end, theres some reason he cant be there for me.
And he is probably right. We arent "compatible" when things get bad. But I was trying. I was bettering myself, and learning, and growing, and he just...gave up.
I dont even want to be in my room right now because everywhere I look there is something with a memory of him. Pictures I'm not willing to take off the wall. Stuffed animals. Little bits and bobs that used to be a gentle reminder that we had so much love between us that now only remind me of the love that I had and lost.
I dont want to be in my room, but I have nowhere else to be.
When people break up, they are supposed to keep busy, but I cant even look forward to forgetting about things while at work because it will just be a different form of hell.
And I want to talk to him so badly, it hurts.
This hurts so much, and I dont know what to do.
I just wanted to be with him. I wanted to be with him, and now I dont have him at all anymore.

hey guess what

I'm a huge fuck up.
I ruin literally everything I touch.
I'm gonna fuck up even more when I move.
I cant do anything right.
I should basically just never be allowed around people ever.
SSDD? Yeah.

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Oh, hey, goodmorning livejournal.
How are you?
Oh, thats good. Me?
Oh, well, I just got told by the person I trust the most that my parents dont give a shit about me unless its convenient for them.
Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, its a really terrible feeling, having your thoughts confirmed in such a heartless way.
And to have it be used as a weapon, too? Thats just double the pain right there.
No, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.
I got angry, yelled, and now all I can do is cry about it because somewhere inside of me I feel like its the truth.
So yeah. I am gonna try and have an okay day but I dont know if thats possible today. Who knows, stranger things have happened after all. Haha, okay,
bye bye livejournal, see you around. Hope your day is better than mine is so far.

Nov. 7th, 2012

So, its to the point now that I cant say, do, or react to anything without getting picked apart for it.

I get held to a higher standard than literally EVERYONE. When someone else does something fucked up, theres a justification for it and an excuse and everythings peachy. When I do the same thing, I'm a horrible person. I'm really sick of being the one who gets the shit end of the deal, every time.

How dare you talk to me about unfairness when everything you throw at me is completely unfair? If how I feel and how I react is unfair, then so is how you feel and react.

I cant even fucking type this shit out anymore. Seriously fucking down in the shit pits and its for really no fucking reason other than you cant stand up for yourself to anyone BUT me. So yeah, keep saving up everything and firing it all at me and see how much longer I stick around. And then tell me I'm taking MY shit out on YOU.
You really have to love it when someone puts you in a spot where they already expect you to be upset, and pretty much push you into being upset, and then get pissed when you do get upset.

Fuck you for real. I was fucking holding in my instinct to be a jealous bitch. I knew that it wouldnt be helpful, and I knew that I should act like it didnt bother me AND I WAS TRYING TO DO JUST THAT, until you pushed and pushed, acting like you werent sure if you wanted to go, and you werent sure but really you were gonna go no matter what I said. I knew you were as soon as you fucking brought it up, and I was holding it in. But you HAD to keep fucking PUSHING didnt you? You HAD to make me feel like shit about it. And then when the fucking wall burst, you acted like it wasnt your fault. Fuck you.

I really love how any time I fucking need you, theres some reason you cant be there for me. You have to go to sleep, or you already are asleep, or you have homework to do, ETC etc ETFUCKINGC. But the minute she needs you, you go fucking running. Maybe you dont realize just how many times you have blown me off when I needed you. But how dare you fucking act like I'm the only one at fault right now?

She has a fucking multitude of other friends, why is it MY BOYFRIEND that she so desperately fucking needs right now? The boyfriend that I have been IN DESPERATE NEED OF FOR OVER A WEEK, who either has to do something else right when I'm about to tell him something, or isnt even awake. Where is my frantic running to help?

You know, I'm aware I am being jealous, I really am, but its not for no reason like with other people, and you fucking know that. You know why I feel the way I do, but you know, I have to just act like I dont feel that way because that would make me just a horrible person.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

fuck you

I tried so hard to not let myself get this way again this year, but it backfired so bad.
Instead of just being angry, now its just an endless cycle of angry, depressed, and then just nothing, while I pretend to be happy the whole time in front of my family.

I dont even know what to fucking write because I have all these things flying around in my head. Feelings, thoughts, fears, everything, its just fucking whipping around in there, and I cant organize any of it for more than two minutes before it flies away again. I want to make everyone go away, but I dont want to be alone. I want so badly to be able to just let it all out for someone else to listen to me but I just cant. I know there are people who would listen but I dont even know how to begin talking because the whirlwind is still happening.

I wish everything would just stop. I wish I could just hit a button and make everything stop while I try and get at least one piece of this figured out.

I wish I could cry for more than a minute at a time. I wish I could just get really drunk and let it all out, so I dont have it all in me anymore. I want to rip my skin off and let it all fly away, and just bleed out on the sidewalk while the sun cooks my flesh. At least then it would be an interesting story for someone else to tell.

I'm no good to anyone like this. I cant help out around the house, I've been distracted at work, and I cant even hold a conversation with the people I care about. I wonder why I am even fucking faking it. At least then people might understand why I am so pitiful right now, maybe even fucking explain it to me cuz I sure as fuck dont know. I hate feeling like I am making excuses though, I really fucking do. But I still do it all the time. Except now. How fucking backwards is that? I mean, I really dont feel like getting yelled at again, like last year.

Fuck this. Fuck everyone who expects me to be fine by now. Fuck everyone who expected me to be fine two years ago. Fuck everyone who told me not to cry at the viewing and funeral. Fuck everyone who made me feel like shit for being in pain. Fuck everyone who wouldnt give me time to myself the day I found out. Fuck everyone who insisted on needing to lean on me when I was the one who needed to lean. Fuck everyone who forgot that Anna was my best fucking friend in the world. Fuck everyone who forgot that she meant the world to me. Fuck everyone who treated her like shit, fuck everyone who treated me like shit. Fuck everyone who ever hurt her and didn't apologize. Fuck everyone who acted like they had nothing to do with it.

Fuck you all. Fuck you the most. Fuck you for doing that to her, fuck you for denying it, fuck you for trying to be friendly with me, fuck you for starting fights with me and my family over our own fucking outlet for grief. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Anna. Fuck you for leaving. Fuck you for not telling me. Fuck you, for never trusting me enough. Fuck you, for leaving. Fuck you for letting me believe that you were okay that night. Fuck you for leaving me behind. After all the fucking times you helped me, you couldnt even trust me enough to help you that one time? The one time you really fucking needed me?! Fuck you. I could have helped if I had known.

Fuck everything. Especially myself, for feeling this way. Fuck you Tabatha, for being like this. Fuck you for being so selfish that you would curse at your dead best friend. For being so pitiful that you can only find happiness in others. Learn to depend on yourself, you pathetic slag.

I dont feel like typing this shit anymore. The only reason I decided to was cuz Dustin insisted that I try to get some of it out. Now I'm so angry that I am cussing out a dead girl.

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